Your Next Place

I'm not usually one for nostalgia (in general, the past sucked - as far as I can tell, human history was mostly a morass of pestilence, cruelty, and few to no wi-fi hotspots), but they really don't make them like this anymore.  Dating from 1917, this space has more Old World charm than Jeremy Irons in a monocle.  From the deep-scarlet dining room walls to the quirkily adorable kitchen (that tiny-tile floor is straight out of "Annie Hall") to the vintage woodwork in the bath (yes, the bath) to the double-height screened-in porch, it seemed like everywhere I looked, I saw something wonderful that I'd never seen before.  (Sort of like when I was 11 and I found my Dad's Playboys.)

But this warm, house-like space also sports all the latest updates, from the exquisitely-appointed chef's kitchen to the fully-renovated bathrooms.  The living room is warm and has softly glowing hardwood floors, and the dining room features extensive built-ins and a breakfast bar that opens onto the kitchen, so while your significant other cooks, you can sit there and tap your fork and knife on the counter impatiently until they fling a hot skillet of gravy at you.  The kitchen has antique cabinets that are to die for (not literally;  please don't harm yourself over cabinetry), and a top-quality chef's range. 

The bedrooms are equally classy, and the baths sport all the modern finishes you've come to expect (marble, glass doors) after spending too many weekends in Las Vegas.  Outside, is the long screened-in balcony-slash-porch; I could sit out here all day, just putting my feet up and thinking about life and tossing balloons full of ink down onto people who don't pick up after their dogs.  You'll also have access to the building's roof deck, which sports breathtaking 360-degree views.  All in all, it's sort of the perfect place; if it was pre-bubble, I'd totally take out a liar loan saying I make a million bucks a year and buy the place.  It would totally be worth going to prison once the jig was up.  (All those people did go to prison, right?)

1870 Wyoming Avenue NW #104
3 Bedrooms, 2 Baths
$774,500

Your Next Place

This fantastic house is truly one of a kind; from the front, the house is subtly set at an angle to the street, and features a large, perfectly round porthole-like window.  The rear, which faces the woods, is a long flat plane that has more windows than Microsoft headquarters.  (Been waiting to use that one for months.)

Inside, it's got fantastically high lofted ceilings, minimalistic white walls, and incredible views from every room.  It's like an urban ski lodge decorated by Stanley Kubrick.  The living room is a huge open space built around a fireplace, and the only slightly smaller family room features three, yes, three separate sets of French doors (or, as I like to call them, "freedom doors") leading outside.  Elsewhere, the master bedroom is just HUGE, and has three closets, each of which is larger than my entire apartment.  The master bath is a super-edgy, spartan porcelain chamber, with a glass-walled shower and a sweet soaking tub, like a really hip art gallery with a toilet in the middle.

The lower level is an in-law suite that you could rent out, or just use as an emergency "this marriage sucks, I'm living downstairs this week" bunker, like my parents do.  Across the entire rear of the house is a huge wooden deck, from which you look out into some legitimate woods.  Not the usual forest-ish wooded areas in the city, where even with full leaf cover you can still see your neighbor doing a Zumba DVD in their living room through gaps in the canopy.  This is serious greenery, where if you hear a growling sound out there while sitting on your deck at night, you should probably just start randomly firing your shotgun into the dark, like Yosemite Sam or something.  When the cops show up, just tell them a real estate blog told you to do it.  I'm sure that'll go over really well.

6633 31st Street NW 
$1,185,000
5 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths

Your Next Place

This stunning semi-detached Georgian Colonial looks like something you'd see in the British countryside, an expansive, sophisticated home for all occasions, the type of house that might make you say to the fellow next to you, in jest, mind you, "aren't you tempted to hide in a closet until the open house is over, and then live here all week?"  Only for him to reply, "Why would I do that, this is my house," and then fast-walk over to agent and whisper to them for thirty seconds while gesturing in my direction.  I had the last laugh though, since I bought the house on the spot and evicted him!  Ha ha!  (Just kidding, I just left quickly while feeling stupid.)

Off the huge foyer is a massive, bright family room, and a formal dining room fit for royalty.  There's also a very fine study featuring some extremely elegant woodwork, and the bright, sprawling living room.  It features huge floor-to-ceiling windows, and opens via French doors (freedom doors, dang it) onto the wonderful flagstone patio.  The kitchen is sleek and spacious and features stainless steel appliances and enough counterspace for a regulation Slip-n-Slide.  (The next trend in bridal showers?)  Upstairs, the master bedroom is one of the most palatial I've seen, and I've seen a few, not only as a professional open-houser, but as a burglar too.  Incredibly long, it has a beautiful salmon-colored marble fireplace at one end.  The house actually has four fireplaces, so when the cops come, each member of the family can grab an armload of evidence to dispose of separately, instead of everyone trying to fling papers into the same fireplace.  Awkward!  And finally, there's a garage; nothing sadder than seeing a car outside in the cold, all alone at night.  Here little car, does it cheer you up when I tickle your sides with my key?

3045 P Street NW
4 Bedrooms, 4.5 Bathrooms
$2,150,000

Your Next Place

The awesome penthouse of a breathtaking boutique condo building, this unit is like a plum-sized diamond crazy-glued to the top of a grapefruit-sized ruby.  A two-level masterpiece of a condo, this home has ceilings that are super high (insert your own "legalized marijuana" joke here), immaculate hardwood floors (if I ever become a male stripper, Immaculate Hardwood is going to be my stage name), and recessed lighting (uh ... I got nothing.).

The designer kitchen sports stainless steel appliances, Silestone counters, and a breakfast bar that's perfect for flinging junk mail onto (no one eats breakfast anymore except for babies and retirees).  Upstairs, are the bright, wide bedrooms, all of which have dramatic views.  But the real highlight is the private rooftop terrace.  If I lived in this place, I'd rent the indoor rooms out as storage compartments and just live out here all the time.  With over six hundred square feet of patio space, you could probably land a helicopter out here, though there's a good chance it might collapse the roof.  If you decide to try it out, make sure you tape it for me.

The building is only a block from Meridian Hill park, still the best place in the city to drift off to sleep on a blanket on a warm summer day and wake up to a homeless person frantically touching himself while looking at you through a gap in the hedges.  (True story.)  It's also right between two metro stations, so you can alternate between the two and make your morning commute, like, three percent less depressing.  Hey, with the retirement age rising steadily (according to one study, the average 40 year old today won't be able to stop working until 18 to 24 months past physical death), every little bit counts.

1435 Chapin Street NW 305
$650,000
2 Bedrooms, 2 Baths

Washington DC real estate news (sort of)

Your Next Place

This corner duplex in the exclusive steel-and-glass tower of 22 West is one of the finest units in a building full of very fine units.  You enter into a long, swanky foyer; I like a foyer, as it gives you a little half-beat to transition from "out there" to "in here."  Like if you go to a party at a place with a foyer you can do that thing where you pretend to be taking off your coat or whatever but you're actually just dawdling and asking the host in hushed tones, "is my ex here yet?  How do they look?  Bad?  How bad?  Like 'they should get their apartment tested for radon gas' bad?  God, that makes me happy."

Farther in, you enter the stunning lofted two-story-tall living room that opens onto a private garden (!).  Though the pied a terre is somewhat common in high-end New York places, you rarely see this sort of thing in DC.  (In that way it's similar to European models, and non-Dad jeans.)  The gourmet kitchen counters are nonstop Carrera marble, thus insuring you'll end up standing helplessly puzzled in the middle of the kitchen several times a week, because putting dirty dishes on Carrera marble is just insane.  There's even a guest bedroom on the main level that also opens onto the private garden, so when your friends visit you can really subtly rub their faces in your success.

Upstairs, the lofted second level features a truly luxurious master bedroom suite, with its own small living room area and a huge, Vegas-style bathroom.  If this was your bedroom, you could absolutely never have to go downstairs except to get more ice once in a while and sarcastically ask your teenage children, as they play Xbox and sext their peers, "haven't you moved out yet?"  There's a separate gated entrance, so you can avoid the requisite stop-and-chats with the other tenants (can't put a price on that), and a rooftop pool for the building's use where you can go and ogle your neighbors' stretch marks and wonder how THAT sleazy-looking guy can afford to live in the building.  (He can't; it's me, and I've snuck in just to use the pool.  Go ahead and rat me out, but if you ever want to sell your place and have an open house, I'll write that I came and saw a four-inch-long silverfish in the kitchen.)

1177 22nd Street Northwest #1-A
$1,589,000
2 Bedrooms, 2 Baths

Washington DC real estate news (sort of)

Your Next Place

This fresh new build in Chevy Chase is 7300 square feet of pure undiluted luxury, or approximately one square foot for every time I muttered "I knew I should've gone to law school," as I glanced covetously around during the open house.  From the moment you walk through the imposing double front doors, you know you're entering a very special place, sort of like when you down that eighth shot of tequila.  The house seems even huger from the inside, with a double-height entryway leading into a number of high-ceilinged, wide-open rooms.  The great room features a majestic Porcelanosa wall that you could totally rappel down if you were trying to impress your guests, or were just really stupid.  The kitchen is just massive, with a marble-topped island that features a gourmet chef's range, and the best in high-end appliances.

Upstairs, the master bath sports one of those rainwater showers that simulates being homeless and bathing in the rain (just kidding, I love these showers), and a jacuzzi tub that I would've come back and stolen later that night, if I owned a crane.  There's also an exercise room and a sauna.  If I had a sauna in my own home, I'd use it so much I'd look like a lank-haired pink raisin. Also, if you're single, just imagine the power of being able to say, at closing time, "hey, after hours party in my private in-home sauna?"  And finally, there's a heated three car garage, so you can rest easy at night, knowing your vehicles are toasty and warm.

7035 Wyndale Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 8 Baths
$1,949,000

Washington D.C. real estate news

Your Next Place

This Capitol Hill semidetached Victorian rowhome is a true gem, located in one of the very best parts of one of the very best neighborhoods in the city. If DC was a huge cow, this house would be the filet mignon.  (My house, on the other hand, would be tripe.)

The high ceilings, antique fireplace, plaster moldings and medallions add a classic touch to the proceedings, sort of like when I wear my tweed Sherlock Holmes hat during conjugal relations.  The exceptional formal family and dining rooms are large and bright, and the gourmet kitchen is sleek and ultramodern, with the stainless steel appliances and granite countertops you'd expect from a house of this caliber.  The enclosed sunroom is perfect for some cozy afternoon reading and napping during the winter, or for quickly dropping fifteen pounds of water weight in the summer.  (Pro tip: wear a black garbage bag poncho for increased heat retention.  Great for those class reunions that sneak up on you!)

Upstairs, the master bedroom suite makes most other master bedroom suites look like shabby college-student efficiency apartments, minus the "Goodfellas" and Bob Marley posters.  Out back is ample private parking, and you're only two blocks from the Library of Congress and the Capitol, so whenever you have some spare time you can always zip on over and scream epithets at the elected representative of your choice. I suggest following the "YOU LIE!" guy down the street and shouting "YOU LIE!" over and over and over again while making air quotes with your fingers.  He really likes that.

324 Independence Ave SE
4 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
$1,570,000

Your Next Place

The brainchild of bleeding-edge designer Chryssa Wolfe, this beautiful, sprawling house is both luxurious and morally upright, thanks to the cutting-edge green technology used in its construction.  It's like a Lambourghini that runs on fair trade coffee, or a pair of cashmere Toms.

Seriously though, this house is light years ahead of anything else on the market right now.  With a geothermal heat pump system, a rigid insulation envelope, high-performance insulated windows and doors, and energy recovery ventilators, this house is as energy-efficient a house as present-day technology could produce, aside from some sort of hermetically-sealed fart-warmed life capsule.  This is what all new construction should be like, but isn't, because ... because I don't know why.  It really made me step back and marvel at how inefficient the typical turn-of-the-century DC rowhouse is, with gas-fired furnaces pumping hot steam up through metal coils scattered throughout a swiss-cheese-like brick-and-mortar shell.  It's no wonder that it costs $250 a month to keep my apartment at 62 degrees in the winter.

But this house isn't just environmentally-efficient - it's also beautiful.  With gleaming (responsibly harvested) hardwood floors and an open floor plan, the house is full of light, and spacious.  The coffered ceiling of the family room and cutting-edge color palette of the formal dining room and kitchen belie a design aesthetic as up-to-the-minute as the construction.  There's a huge screened-in porch with panoramic views, and out back is a fantastic in-ground pool, next to which is a wide flagstone-lined lounge area that features an outdoor stone fireplace, where you can recline in sunglasses and surreptitiously judge everyone else's swimsuit bodies.

And since it's a green house (not to be confused with a "greenhouse," which is where our parents grow their glaucoma medicine), the buyer will receive a $35,000 geothermal tax credit, which is almost as much as I get for my made-up family of dependents, Pablo, Marian, and the triplets.  (Hey, as far as I'm concerned, if Mitt Romney pays 14% taxes, all bets are off.)

5420 Galena Place NW
6 Bedrooms, 6 Baths
$2,785,000