Your Next Place

By Franklin Schneider

Located in a Victorian red-brick townhome, this very fine vertically-arranged living space will get you one step closer to everyone's childhood dream of living in a lighthouse. Put in a fireman's pole and I promise I'll drop by unannounced at least four times a week. (Which is probably the best reason not to put one in.)

You ascend through the place via a beautiful floating stairwell painted sky blue, from the living room up to the kitchen (granite countertops, Kitchen Aid Professional appliances) and then up to the two bedrooms and the luxury baths (Travertine tile, etc.). Four levels in all. I'm a huuuuuge fan of this place - a friend of mine lives in a vertical-type place and there's something really novel and appealing about the setup. Not to mention the peripheral fitness benefits of the stairs; if you really want to beat the obesity epidemic, all you have to do is mandate that all new houses have to be built on the Y axis. My hammies were on fire after just a brief open houser – I bet after a month of living here you'd have the lower body of a young Jean-Claude Van Damme.


The place also boasts some beautiful interior design and furnishings - from the pendant lighting to the turquoise bathroom basins – which you could maybe convince your friends and family you picked out yourself, depending on how good a liar you are. In back is a small patio perfect for grilling out or a getting a little sun with your morning coffee, and the unit also comes with assigned parking. I once lived in a place where I had an assigned parking space, but I didn't have a car, so I rented it on Craigslist. The guy who rented it conveniently omitted the fact that he was going to be living in the car he'd be parking there. I felt bad for him so I let him stay for a month, and at night sometimes when he'd shift in his sleep his feet would accidentally hit the brakes, and his brakelights would flash and reflect onto the wall of my bedroom, where I'd be up late reading. If you can come up with a more depressing image than that, I'll give you a hundred dollars. (Not really.)

1328 Maryland Ave NE #4
Washington, D.C.
2 Bedrooms, 2 Baths
$539,900