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Fresh off a million-dollar renovation in 2005, this Cleveland Park classic, which dates to 1906, combines the best of old and new in a perfect melding of opposites, sort of like sweet and sour chicken, but with less flourescent red food coloring.  The renovation left the facade intact, but restored the interior from the studs out, and it shows.  Right off the bat, walking up the front porch, you realize that this is a special house.  You know how a lot of nice houses have hardwood floors?  This house has a hardwood ceiling - on the front porch.  Talk about setting the bar high.

But it lives up to it; the foyer features custom oak woodwork, with a built-in kissing bench and antique lighting.  The living room features an original oversized window, along with several reproductions of original windows; there's also new fantastic crown molding, and original pocket doors.  In the formal dining room is an antique cherry mantle with a wood-burning fireplace and Ann Sacks tile.  And both rooms also boast ornate, vintage chandeliers.  You don't realize how much of a difference a good chandelier can make until you see one in action; it's like a hat, only for a room.  A good one can really bring everything together.  The kitchen has marble countertops, a six-burner (plus grill) Viking stove, and the Sub-Zero fridge is fronted with wood paneling, making it look like a cabinet (with a refrigerator inside of it).  There's a powder room, with historic recovered stained glass, and each bedroom is nicer than the next, peaking with a huge, extremely unique attic bedroom that I totally have dibs on if you and I ever end up living together in this house.  The house is also wired for sound, so you can totally embarrass your significant other in front of all your friends by playing that "Call Me Maybe" song at your housewarming party, and there's also a video surveillance system, you voyeuristic creep.

The backyard is massive, and there's parking for three cars.  The lower level, which is essentially a standalone unit, doesn't feel at all like a basement, thanks to the high ceilings (high for a basement, anyway), and clever placement of larger-than-normal windows.  This basement was actually livable, as opposed to most basements, where you move in thinking it'll be really quiet and heat-efficient, and then two weeks later you're somehow on a 32-hour day and have to do all your grocery shopping after midnight because "that's when all the spy satellites are blocked by the moon."

3310 Ross Place NW
4 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
$1,850,000

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This massive former embassy is on the market for the first time in over fifty years; most likely all the U.S. government listening devices have been deactivated, though of course I can't be sure.  (Just to be safe, turn loud music on before discussing anything against the law, such as selling heroin, terror plots, or same-sex marriage.)

But this incredibly property is bursting with unlimited potential, sort of like a new relationship.  The best part is that this building is guaranteed not to eventually disappoint you by drinking too much wine when meeting your parents and asking, "if evolution is real, why haven't the chimpanzees in the zoo turned into humans yet, huh?!"  A potential what, eight-bedroomer (!), this house's ceiling is limited only by your imagination.  The brick Colonial-style facade is definitely a keeper, with its timeless qualities, as well as the distinctive details (check out those windows!).  The spiral staircase, dazzling M.C. Escher-like piece of work, is also worth preserving.  Ah, who am I kidding, this place is fine as is.  You could just scatter some IKEA furniture around and call it a home.  (Protip: a tablecloth thrown over a four-by-four quadrangle of unpacked moving boxes makes a sort-of-convincing table)  The back area is paved over, which you could keep and use as a parking lot or you could tear up the concrete and make it into a gloriously large yard. Who knows, poke around a bit and you might find an old diplomatic license plate the previous tenants forgot to pack during the move.  Imagine, a world where no traffic or parking laws apply to you:  in some religions, that's their definition of heaven.

Of course, with 7500 square feet of space to work with, you could turn this into a one-in-a-million dream home with just a little imagination and elbow grease (and a few hundred thousand dollars for renovations).  This building brought back a lot of memories of when I was a child and my father became smitten with the idea of buying and renovating an old high school into our family home.  My mother was against this idea, as she wanted our next house to be, well, a house.  My father replied that, yes, good point, but the abandoned school comes with a full-sized basketball court AND a glass-front trophy case he could use for all his office bowling league trophies.  In retrospect, this was the first (but by no means the last) time she realized she'd married a big grown-up child.

2310 Tracy Place NW
$2,700,000
6 Bedroom, 2 Full Baths, 2 Half Baths

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Look how cute this little building is, nestled cozily between two much-larger buildings, and yet with an undeniable appeal all its own.  (Insert your own "size doesn't matter" joke here.  It sounds too autobiographical if I do it.)

This beautiful unit is one of 22 in this boutique building, which means it's just big enough that there's probably at least one other person in the building you can have an ill-advised romance of convenience with, but not so small that you won't be able to avoid them after it crashes and burns.  It's a corner unit too, so it's a bit bigger and brighter than the other units, a fact you should bring up constantly when you run into other building occupants.  ("You look depressed, is it because your apartment is slightly smaller than mine?")  The main area is open and gets a ton of light; it features glowing hardwood floors and recessed lighting.  The kitchen comes with the granite countertops/stainless steel appliances one-two punch, and there are a ton of built-ins for your collectible plate collection.  The master bedroom is spacious and wide, and boasts a world-class walk-in closet.  It got me thinking, "wait, why doesn't my bedroom have a walk-in closet?"  And then I realized, my bedroom IS a walk-in closet.  Explains all the built-ins, and why my twin mattress takes up 90% of the floor space.

This building also comes with concierge service, extra storage, rental parking, and even a gym.  Imagine how much guiltier you'll feel about not working out when there's a gym right downstairs!  It's located in Penn Quarter, so it's close to Chinatown, downtown, NoMa, and other neighborhoods people go to, look around, and say, "wait, is this it?  Really?"  (I kid, I kid; aside from that horrible intersection where they have the huge tvs, I actually really like Chinatown.)  Also, it's equidistant from two metro stations, turning each morning into an agonized internal debate over where exactly you want to go to get the back of your neck breathed on by total strangers.

675 E Street NW #500
1 Bedrooms, 1.5 Baths
$509,000

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Oh wow.  You never see a place like this in the District.  Most houses here are sort of like most of the people here - basic, slightly uptight, old-fashioned.  This house, though, is like that girl you see at the party who's way too stylish and edgy to live here, and who you just know is going to move to New York in six months, so you better act fast, and by "act fast," I mean "stalk her on Facebook," because she's totally out of your league.

This house isn't out of your league though - well, as long as you've got $2.5 million on hand.  (Okay, so it's out of your league.)  This Tracy Place classic is open and bright and has a vague "California in the Seventies" vibe.  (Though I should mention here that I wasn't alive in the Seventies, and I've never been to California.)  The formal dining room and living room are dramatic and have windows galore, as well as recessed lighting and gleaming hardwood floors.  And this house has maybe the greatest kitchen I've ever seen, a high-ceilinged gourmet masterpiece with stained-glass-fronted cupboards, a huge island, and top of the line stainless steel appliances.  There are also two - yes, two - full-size sinks, so you can let twice as many dishes pile up and fester before sweeping them into garbage bags and buying all new ones.

Upstairs are five bedrooms, all with full en-suite bathrooms.  This is huge.  I like to think of having your own bathrooom as a kind of dividing line in life; if you do have your own, you're not allowed to complain ever, about anything in your life.  If you have to share, go ahead and whine as much as you want, I'll at least pretend to feel bad since you have to smell other people's odors on a regular basis.  Each room is bright and large and opens onto a huge shared deck.  Underneath that deck is a huge first floor patio; yes, that's two levels of leisure space looking out onto a superlative garden that features a sloping landscaped terrace surrounded by greenery.  Very private.  It's like your own mini-Garden of Eden, by which I mean you can eat apples and have sex out there, but don't get caught by Dad or you're in big trouble.

2324 Tracy Place NW
5 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
$2,395,000

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 This fantastic Colonial is the sort of house you see in a family sitcom that makes everyone say, "come on, no family actually lives in a house like that!"  By which I mean you should buy this house, live in your car in the driveway, and rent it out to Hollywood producers as a set on which to film their family sitcoms.  Cha-ching!  I feel like that tip is worth at least a fifteen percent commission.

TThis house has it all; huge, open floor plan, hardwood floors burnished to a high shine, marble fireplace, recessed lighting.  The dining room is one of the most striking I've ever seen, with a duo of huge rectangular skylights and an entire long wall of windows.  There's a general feeling of openness and space, which is important for families, since you need room to grow, and also because you hate each other.  I grew up in a huge rambling Victorian house and one floor per family member was barely enough space; I routinely urinated off the roof rather than go downstairs and risk an encounter with my dad as he trimmed his handlebar mustache to "Steve Miller's Greatest Hits" or my mom as she did step aerobics while watching "Martin" starring Martin Lawrence.  (She still sprinkles his catchphrases into everyday conversation: "Hey mom, can you give me a ride to the airport tomorrow morning?  My flight leaves at 7AM."  "DAMN GINAAAAAAA!!!")  No worries about that in this place; with five bedrooms and 5.5 baths, you could conceivably never see the people you lived with, which is just how it should be.

The bedrooms are large and beautifully finished, with fine shutters and accent walls.  Out back is a stone patio and a sizeable yard, nicely fenced off from prying eyes.  It's big enough and secure enough that you could totally put your dog or your children back here anytime you needed some "grownup time" to yourself, in the bathroom, "rocking back and forth" with a "bottle of vodka" repeating "oh my god I've wasted my youth, is there still time to change my life?!"  (No.)  There's also a full garage, for the aftermath of the aforementioned "grownup time" crisis when you buy a convertible and/or motorcycle.

2707 34th Place NW
5 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
$2,345,000

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This place packs a ton of punch into a very small package.  If it was a person, it would be my 59 year old asian mother, who still begins eating an apple by tearing it in half with her bare hands.  The last time my sister and I visited home, we tried to get a video of her doing it (can you imagine the Youtube hits?), but she got shy, and then, when I persisted, she smacked me in the back of the head so hard that my glasses flew into a potted plant.

This unit is in the Crescent Cooperative, a beautiful Georgian Revival-style building that dates to 1926.  While the inside is somewhat small, it's immaculately finished, with enough thoughtfully designed built-ins to hold all your commemorative plates and digital picture frames your parents get you every Christmas instead of just giving you a check, because just giving you a check apparently makes too much sense.  The apartment is south-facing, so you get plenty of sunlight streaming in and revealing all your flaws to your significant other.  It also looks out onto a very nice garden, which you can pretend is all yours, but isn't.  (It's shared with the rest of the building.)  The kitchen is confoundingly big; I've been in places four times bigger that had less counter and cupboard space. I could've stretched out full length on the counter, and I would have, but the seat of my yoga pants ripped as I was climbing up.

The bedroom is huge, with an incredible walk-in closet, and the bathroom is high-ceilinged and endearingly vintage-looking.  This place is also right next to Meridian Hill Park, probably the best park in the city.  Rock Creek might be bigger, but it's too rough and untamed; you can hike around, but you can't really go there and lie on a blanket and people watch.  Meridian Hill is big enough that you can always find a spot to lounge in the grass, but small enough that it's only a five-minute walk to go make fun of people practicing that dance-style kung fu over by the drum circle.  ALSO - a famous and extremely powerful person lives right in the building!  I'm not at liberty to tell you who it is, but I promise that if you name drop them at parties and mention that you live in the same building, people will be totally impressed for a few minutes, before they realize it means nothing.

1661 Crescent Place NW
1 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom
$379,900

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By Franklin Schneider

The house next door to mine has been sold at least three times in the six years I've lived here. After a while I just assumed it was haunted, but after the last owners moved out I was able to go inside for a visit and I found that no, it just sort of sucked. It was narrow, dim, and had the finishes of a Holiday Inn rent-by-hour conference room. Of course everyone moved out after a year or two.

Conversely, the best houses are almost never on the market. (Much like the best women - I know because I've been checking their Facebook relationship statuses daily for years.) This sprawling 1914 house is a perfect example of this principle. It's been in the family for decades, and when you walk through it you can see why. High ceilings, wide open spaces, miles of burnished hardwood floors, four fireplaces, and six generous bedrooms, all spread over three levels. I'd stay here for decades too. (Unfortunately, the open house ended at 5pm.)

Coming in, you enter into a large, open reception hall area off which all the main rooms branch off, so the house is really made for socializing, parties, etc. The centrally-located dining room is fantastic, the kitchen is unbelievably roomy, I loved the large, elegant library (books are the new vinyl), the master bedroom is "suite" (ha ha! puns!), and if I lived there I'd totally call dibs on the sunny, quirkily shaped attic bedroom. Outside, there's a truly epic backyard and (if there was an emoticon for "intense jealousy," it would be right here) an in-ground pool - this place really is the "too good to be true" house that every family on television lives in, except that it's actually real.  And like the hot women on facebook, it was off the market before I even had a chance at it.

3846 Woodley Road NW
6 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
Sale price: $1,623,000

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First impressions are vital, and this duplex co-op impresses from the moment you walk in, the foyer lit from far above by a huge skylight.  It was a lot like that time I met my girlfriend's parents and refused to take my sunglasses off the entire meal (what, I was hungover!), except, you know, the complete opposite.

From the entry level you ascend to the main level, which features a huge triangular living area.  The skylit dining area is next to a wall of french doors, which open onto a panoramic view of the city.  Next to that is the superlative kitchen.  Look at that diamond-shaped, marble-topped island!  Look at the custom cupboards, the commercial-grade appliances, the six-burner stove that comes equipped with a griddle!  The gap between the quality of your cooking and the quality of your kitchen will never be larger.  There's also a beautiful study, for your studying (just kidding, being an adult means not ever learning anything ever again), and a truly fine master bathroom that's far too nice for the disgusting things you're going to do in there.

The unit comes with a parking space (indispensable in Adams Morgan) and storage.  Also, the prospective owner will have the rights to build a private roof deck.  I don't know about you, but designing and building your own roof deck sounds like a no-brainer.  I'd just cover the entire roof with Slip-n-Slide material, put up a padded barrier around the edge's perimeter, and let loose.  Yes, I'm 33 years old.

2370 Champlain St. NW #34
3 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths
$775,000

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This penthouse is everything a penthouse is supposed to be; huge, open, full of light, and expensive enough so that when you casually mention the price at a party, a hushed silence falls over everyone.  (If you don't have a multimillion-dollar penthouse, the same effect can be achieved by announcing the exact opposite:  "I made nine thousand dollars last year!"  If I'd known when I was young that poverty was such a social advantage, I never would have majored in English with a minor in Painting.  Oh wait, yes I would have.)

This luxury gem boasts interiors by Zaptaka Interiors, and it shows.  Everything, from the faucets to the windowframes, to the basins and cupboards, exhibits a sort of unifying aesthetic, which I would describe as "really nice."  (What, I'm not a designer, I don't know the lingo.)  The main area is wide open, loft-style, with separate dining and living areas, as well as a large, well-appointed kitchen.  There are three bedrooms, all of them large and boasting floor-to-ceiling windows.  The master bath is massive and has sweet twin basins facing a frosted glass window, and a futuristic walk-in closet that's literally bigger than some studio apartments.

The unit comes with two garage parking spaces, as well as multiple outdoor terraces with stunning views of the city.  You could use one just for pensive gazing at the horizon, and the other just for throwing pots of spoiled food down into the yard.  That's what I do with my outdoor deck.  (True, possibly related, story: the guy who lives below the aforementioned deck stepped out to have a cigarette the other night and was attacked by a opossum.  Oops.)

2818 Connecticut Avenue NW #PH4
3 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths
$1,750,000

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