Your Next Place

By Franklin Schneider

I liked this house so much it made me want to go to law school. After five minutes inside, I was like, "whatever it takes, I need to get my hands on a million and a half dollars, asap," and law school was the quickest way I could figure out to do that. I also considered drug dealing and bankrobbing, but I figured that with law school there's much less chance of me being shot in the face.

But man, this place. A beautiful semi-detached townhouse, it has four fully-furnished levels. Yeah, bummer, four levels is a lot of walking up and down, maybe too much. OH WAIT - it has an elevator!! The lower level family room is incredibly wide and spacious, and opens out onto the lush garden patio. There's a chef's kitchen with everything you need to make an incredible multicourse gourmet meal, which let's be honest you'll never do - but you could, technically. The master suite has a fireplace and is very masterful indeed, with a wonderful master bath (check out the tub) and a private balcony from which you can see Georgetown AND Rosslyn. I didn't even know that was possible. After that, and the elevator, I don't think anything would've surprised me about this house. "And here we have the zero gravity room, which is powered by elfin sorcery." I wouldn't even have blinked.

There's also a sauna and a wet bar (two things that were meant to be together) and a garage and driveway. The house also overlooks Book Hill Park, which is an immaculately landscaped picturesque and little-known park through which I walked after the open house. As I passed a mom and her two kids, I saw her give me a look like "what's this longhaired degenerate doing in my park?" and I started to tell her how I'd just decided to attend law school and become a respectable citizen and enrich myself while also enriching society, but by that time I'd already decided to just buy a Powerball ticket instead. America!

3242 Reservoir Road NW
3 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths
$1,645,000

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